Do you think it’s okay to cry at the office? Why or why not?

There’s no doubt that emotions can get the better of us on the job, but is it ever okay to show those emotions in the workplace? Well, a new survey sought to find the answer to that very question.

A new poll by Accountemps finds that 45% of people say they’ve cried at work, and it seems most bosses are okay with it, on occasion.  When asked 44% of CFOs say crying in the office is acceptable as long as it isn’t something that happens every day. However,  26% say it’s never okay because people will perceive an employee who cries as weak or immature.

If an employee is crying an abnormal amount, it may seem uncomfortable to approach them. The easy thing to do would be to assume a back story for that individual that lets you off the hook from having to talk with him or her. However, if at all possible, approach that employee and talk with them about the situation through the lense of compassion. You could be missing out are an easy opportunity to really connect and build trust  with your employee. 

Obviously, if at all possible, it is always better to control your emotions. However, tears aren’t the only emotion folks can express on the job. This same survey found that 52% of workers have lost their temper at the office.  There is not a good black and white answer to the "crying" questions. I think in this day in age; it is essential for managers to lead by example and, give people grace when needed. 

Thinking Differently About the "Carrot and Stick" Management Style

A common question I hear is, "How do I improve the performance of my department?" There is not a one size fits all fix for any one group or organization. However, there are simple things that you can do that will help build a more positive relationship with you and your team, leading to better company culture and improvement of productivity. 

Improving the relationship between you and your team is vital in how you grow a more positive culture.  One of the biggest steps you can take is assessing the feedback that you give your team. The "carrot and stick" style of management is a common a widely used tactic for a lot of managers. I believe the widespread practice of the carrot and stick approach is because managers see the quick results and get to feel that their interactions played a role in the improvements. However,  studies show that complimenting (carrot) an employee or reprimanding (stick) an employee based on his or her performance is a flawed thought process. If done incorrectly (which is easy to do), the carrot and stick method is cashing in on short-term solutions by damaging your department's long-term prospects on improved culture and performance. 

I recently was talking with a manager about some negative feedback that he had received from his team in a recent evaluation. He didn't understand what he could do differently. "I'm  supposed to be okay with my team underperforming?" he asked. Of course not. However, there is a proper tool for every task. I explained to him Dr. Daniel Kahneman's statistical regression to the mean study. Kahneman is a winner of the Nobel Prize for his work in economics. His study in regression proved that employees perform at a consistent level. In the study, no amount of criticism or praise would change the average employee's performance over a week or month. 

Normally, this is when managers tend to cut me off. They have seen, first-hand that when they criticize an employee, the next day the employee's work improves. Even worse, the managers have been trained to stop using the carrot for the same reason. When they compliment an employee for a job well-done,  they don't take into account the natural regression that occurs when the employee reverts to his or her average performance level. The regression leaves the manager feeling betrayed. "I just said you did a good job, and now you go backward." Unfortunately, because of the confirmation bias that criticism creates improvements in employees, many managers keep only that style of leadership.

A better approach to feedback is to understand that instead of only carrot and stick, there are different tools that you can use to have an active and constructive conversation. When an employee is having a below average day, calling him or her in is an effective relationship building tactic. Start by saying, "Hey, I noticed you are running a bit sluggish today, is everything all right?" Helping develop a positive interaction focused on the performance allows you the chance to analyze if this is just a bad day or a more systemic issue.  Building a relationship with your employees does not mean that you have to be their best friend, but instead, look at each employee as more than what they do for your company. Making people feel heard, understood, and appreciated will build a better culture which leads to long-term growth and higher productivity. 

Long term positive reinforcement is not an easy task, but honestly, even trying to cultivate positive relationships in the workplace goes a long way. 

Conflict Is Not A Dirty Word

Conflict is a word that people want to avoid. Most managers and CEO ask me not to use the term conflict when talking with their team, instead opting for "issues", "miscommunications", and my favorite "areas of improvement". This course  of action does a disservice to your staff's intelligence. In this day in age, it is more important than ever to be open genuine and open about what is happening in the office.  Managers who cannot deal with terms such as conflict are likened to parents who awkwardly stumble through "The Talk" to their kids. 

Conflict is not a dirty word; it is, however, a vital part of communication. I often tell people, if you're one of those couples who say, "Oh we never fight", that means someone has given up in the relationship. The art of a healthy relationship or organization isn't peace, but using conflict and constructive disagreement to form better decisions and opinions.  Fear of conflict shows signs of mistrust, and a poor company culture. 

I would recommend that managers, get past the fear conflict and embrace the productive and financial benefits of a constructive feedback loop inside your company.  If you're having issues with conflict inside your office setting, feel free to reach out. I would enjoy the opportunity to help you have better a communication system. 

Career Killing Words Part 1: BUT

In my experience of coaching executives and managers, I’ve noticed a language that separates the great leaders from the average leaders. Here is a list of words that you should eliminate from your vocabulary if you want to be a truly effective leader.

But: The word “but” is the Great Discredit-ter.  Anytime you use the word “but” you automatically discredit everything you said leading up to that word. A trick that I read was instead of using the word “but” use the word “and” here’s an example

BAD: "Tom, I appreciate the hard work you’ve been doing lately. All your projects have turned out really great but, I have some changes I want you to think about."

Better: "Tom, I appreciate the hard work you’ve been doing lately. All your projects have turned out really great and, I have some changes I want you to think about."

Using the word “and” doesn’t discount the good that the employee has done, however, it does make it easier to segue into a new conversation about change. Do not tag-on to a compliment with a "but" that will automatically have the person you are speaking with become defensive. Instead, make you compliment complete and genuine and then more one to the other items that you need to address with that person.